Pepsi, Obsession, and the Price of Keeping Secrets

Unknown Speaker

I- I- I was just reading this, like, crazy journal entry from 2023, and, man, the, the, the diet... it just, it completely blew my mind. Like, we're talking a daily routine of, of Pepsi, deli macaroni, and chips. Just... straight sodium and sugar, you know? It's, like, living on the edge of a literal cliff.

Roxanne

Wait, deli macaroni? Like, the- the kind that sits in the plastic tub under the fluorescent lights for days? That- that is a pure sodium bomb, Justin. Honestly, when you're, like, combining that with Pepsi... your, your nervous system is basically screaming. It's no wonder they had, what, two or- or was it three emergency room visits for an extremely high heart rate?

Unknown Speaker

Three visits, yeah. Three. Can you even imagine? Your heart is just, like, *thump-thump-thumping* out of your chest, and you're just sitting there, like, "Oh, maybe it was the, uh, the Pepsi?" It's a real wake-up call, though. Like, a bodily redline. It, it forces you to completely flip the script on how you're living. But, but then... okay, so, so then you have this other crazy layer. This person gets out of thirteen years of, like, school... institutionalized living, basically... and immediately moves in with this guy, Scott. And their friends, Jenny and Craig, they straight-up told him, "You are playing with fire."

Roxanne

Playing with fire. Wow. I mean, think about the- the transition there. You go from thirteen years of- of structured, locked-down, institutionalized life, where everything is, is, like, decided for you, and then, boom. You're out on your own for the first time, and you run into this, this incredibly good-looking guy. The, the physical attraction... it's like a wave, Justin. It just, it completely overtakes your biology. You don't have the, the, uh, tools to process that kind of rush.

Unknown Speaker

Oh, totally. It's, like, when you first get a taste of freedom and you're just... you're, like, intoxicated by it, you know? It's, like, a song hook that gets stuck in your head and you just can't, you can't let go. He was, like, obsessed. He'd spend all day, like, endlessly watching, looking up the alleyway, just waiting to see Scott's car. Just, like, pacing by the window. That, that kind of suppression... keeping it all buried inside with no outlet, no Rachel, no Cody... that's, like, a pressure cooker, Rox.

Roxanne

The alleyway watch. That, that is so painful to picture. Just, like, staring at the empty space where a car should be. And when you have no- no outlet... like, you don't have a therapist, you don't have Cody yet... you're carrying all of that entirely on your own. It's- it's environmental toxicity, but in your own brain. And, and then... what happened? He just, he had to flee, right? He went to- to Iowa City?

Unknown Speaker

Yeah, he fled to Iowa City. But, like, you can't run away from your own head, you know? He ends up at this apartment on Clinton Street, visiting John and Alan, and, like... he just breaks down. He's back in John's room, just crying, like, crying, like, horrifically, trying to hide it, trying to, like, cover up how much he was hurting and how deeply he was, like, in love or, or obsessed with Scott. It's, like, you can't put a lock on feelings like that forever. They're gonna leak out, and when they do, it's a flood.

Roxanne

It, it really is a flood. And, and that leads to this- this massive realization in the journal. He talks about, um, Tony Robbins, actually. He, he says, "You will not outsmart yourself, and you will not outsmart the system." It's, like... we convince ourselves that we can just, what, intellectualize our way out of pain? Like, "Oh, I'll just keep this in a little compartment in my mind and it'll be fine." But the body- the body doesn't work that way.

Unknown Speaker

Oh, man, the compartment thing is a total trap. Like, "I'll just, uh, park my feelings over here under this little, like, tarpaulin, and nobody will notice." No way. You will never outsmart your own brain. That's, like, why he says everyone needs a coach. Like, everyone needs a mentor. I don't care who you are, you need a different perspective. Like, checks and balances, you know? Otherwise, the power in your own head just gets too high.

Roxanne

Yes! Checks and balances. I love that he- he compared it to the government, actually. Like, even the government has checks and balances, so why shouldn't our relationships? When he finally started seeing Cody... who was, like, his therapist... that was the first time he had a, a, what he called a "filtered" outlet. He could finally say, "Hey, this is what I was actually feeling about Scott." It takes the power away from the secret.

Unknown Speaker

Cody was, like, the circuit breaker. Because, like, before Cody, he had John, but he was still, like, covering up the intimacy with John. He wouldn't tell him the truth. And, like, John probably would have understood! That's the crazy part. But the suppression was just, like, too thick. It's, like, twenty-six years of dealing with this stuff alone, with no one in the flesh body to talk to about the, like, the UFO story or whatever. Twenty-six years without a coach is, like... that's a long time to play without a coach, Roxanne.

Roxanne

Twenty-six years. I- I mean, think about the neural pathways you build over twenty-six years of keeping a secret that massive. It's like... it's like a track worn so deep into the earth that you can't even see over the edges anymore. You, you need someone to, to literally reach down and pull you out of it. And, and if a coach came along now, after twenty-six years, he's, like, "Man, you better really know what you're doing," because he's- he's such an expert in his own isolation. It's- it's wild.

Unknown Speaker

Yeah, it's, like, "Hey, I've got a PhD in being lonely, what are you gonna teach me?" But, like, seriously, just declaring war back on the pain, standing up to the, like, the "Faceman" or whatever you want to call the bully in your head... that's the only way. You've got to hurt the power back, just like Rachel said.

Roxanne

Exactly. You, you stand up, you find that filter, and you, you stop trying to outsmart the system. Honestly, it's the only way to heal that social injury. Alright, I think that's a pretty good place for us to wrap this up. Good chatting, Justin.

Unknown Speaker

Yeah, definitely. Talk soon, Rox.